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Emerging from the Mist with Marbles

Preparation for the journey.

I have been traveling through a dark mist for a long time.

That’s what it feels like, being in therapy. For me, at least. But then, I am naturally drawn to analysis and drama – Virgo Sun, Leo Rising – a clear indication for those of you who follow astrology that this blog is going to be all about my critical analysis of me. Mostly. But it’s a spiritual journey I’m embarking on, so a) it should be about me and b) this world and my life aren’t barren wastelands – others will be along shortly.

But, back to the point, I’ve been in a therapy mist for the last 18 months (incidentally, shout out to my VA coverage and the lovely men and women there who have to deal with me on the regular). I’ve been in therapy for MST (Military Sexual Trauma for those of you without an advanced training in military acronyms) or, more generally, for PTSD, which is the actual diagnosis. This has not been my favorite year and a half ever.

Why tell you this? Heavens, so many reasons! Right now, though this is to set the stage, briefly describing where I’ve been and why I’ve decided to embark on this soulful transit. So, describing:

PTSD is a way of relating to the world in the absence of healing after trauma – a sort of whole life generalized and extended fight or flight response, if you will. It’s fairly rare, though not as rare as we might like and that number depends on the statistics you pull and whether you believe those numbers to be accurate (I don’t). It can happen after one event or it can accumulate over time. Mine was over time, at the ages of 8, 20, and 22. All three involved very different relationships and types of trust. All three affected my view of myself and my faith in my ability to make sound judgments in regards to other people in one way or another.

And after several years of self-imposed isolation and more than a year of therapy, all three have taught me about myself, about thinking, about trust, about power, about observation, and about healing. It has been rough, it is still ongoing, but it has taken me to a place now where I finally feel capable of connecting with my deep inner truth and connecting with other people in a deeper, more compassionate way – all of which takes trust.

The wise and always candid Brené Brown went over the Anatomy of Trust on Super Soul Sessions with Oprah, which resonated so deeply with me. She equates trust with the concept of a marble jar, trusting those who have put in small acts of trust over time with the really hard stuff. After seeing how trust played out in her data, she looked in the research on trust and betrayal by John Gottman, and the first phrase she read was, “Trust is built in the smallest of moments.” And in these small moments is the opportunity to betray as well by choosing not to connect when the opportunity is there. So she set about studying what it is that makes up trust, what are the marbles we put in our jars. It’s amazing talk that I linked below, however, I have summarized for expediency and clarity:

Trust is a big word, right? …. I found a definition from Charles Feltman… “Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else… distrust is what I have shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you.” … Do I know what trust is from the data? And I think I do know what trust is, and I put together an acronym: BRAVING… because when we trust we are braving connection with someone.

B – Boundaries: I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them, and you are clear about my boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.

R – Reliability: Reliability is you do what you say you are going to do over and over  and over again. You cannot gain and earn my trust if you are reliable once, because that is not the definition of reliability.

A – Accountability: I can only trust you if, when you make a mistake, you are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends.  I can only trust you if, when I make a mistake, I am allowed to own it, apologize, and make amends.

V – Vault: What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me, I will hold in confidence. … The Vault is not just about the fact that you hold my confidences. It’s that, in our relationship, I see that you value confidentiality… a lot of times we share things that are not ours to share as a way to hot wire connection with a friend.

I – Integrity: I cannot trust you… if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same… [Integrity is] choosing courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy, and practicing your values, not just professing your values.

N – Non-judgment: I can fall apart, ask for help, and be in struggle without being judged by you and you can fall apart, ask for help, and be in struggle without being judged by me. Which is really hard because we are better at helping than we are at asking for help, … if you can’t ask for help and they cannot reciprocate that, that is not a trusting relationship. … You cannot judge yourself for needing help and not judge others for needing help.

G – Generosity: Our relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behaviors, and then check in with me.

One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak and disappointment and failure and our struggle is not just the loss of trust with other people, but the loss of self trust. … If braving relationships with other people is BRAVING connection, self trust is BRAVING self love, self respect, the wildest adventure we’ll ever take in our whole lives. … If your own marble jar is not full, if you can’t count on yourself, you can’t ask other people to give you what you don’t have, so we have to start with self trust.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewngFnXcqao

I know that there are some areas of self trust where I am doing well, but there are others where I have an abysmal track record. Specifically, honoring my own boundaries or, indeed, setting them at all, being reliable for myself, non-judgment, and generosity. I have to give myself opportunities to put marbles in my own jar.

So I have turned to my spirituality. I’ve always been the kind of person who is much more in my Mind than anywhere else, so it’s time to take that strength and use it to connect to my Body and my Soul, to temper my reliance on it with a more holistic approach to Self. To give myself chances to set goals and boundaries, so I can reliably work toward repairing the disconnect between Feeling and Thought and the Unknown.

In delving back into all of my more New Age-y interests, I have fallen into the deep well of astrology and I think it is a wonderful opportunity to share what I am learning (as I do believe we learn best through attempting to teach it) and to use it as a method of analyzing the multiple regions of my life and setting goals within them. Most people are aware of the Zodiac in the concept of “What’s your Sign?” Not everyone is aware that the question leaves out 95% of the process, focusing only on the Sun Sign, and that not always accurate if you are on a cusp. So a brief glimpse into the madness:

  • You have a Rising Sign, also known as the Ascendent, which is the exact degree of the sky the Eastern Horizon was at when you drew your first breath. To calculate this, you need your birth time and place of birth.
  • Each Planet, loosely named, has a Sign. They are the Sun, the Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto.
  • Each Sign has a planetary ruler (some share), an Element (known as a Quadruplicity), a Modality (Fixed, Cardinal, or Mutable), and polarity (Masculine/Feminine).
  • A star chart is broken up into 12 Houses, which are correlated with the constellations in the sky, so set on a 360 degree grid, starting with Aries. Each House represents a different aspect of life, which has a natural Sign and Ruling Planet associated with it.
  • Your Rising Sign sets the beginning of your Birth Chart, or Natal Chart, which means that each House, in addition to having a natural Sign and Ruling Planet, also has what is known as an accidental Sign and the Planetary Ruler of that Sign.
  • Aspects are the angles between Planets on the chart. Certain angles show benefits or communication between Planets, others show blockages or conflicts.

There are other points that can be taken into account for in depth readings, like points where the orbit of the moon passes the ecliptic of the Sun, certain specific stars or comets, and, of course, how your own birth chart interacts with another chart for your birthday each year or how it interacts with another persons chart. Relationships can have their own charts.

Mind-boggling and far more specific that you thought?

Well, I’m certainly not going to go into all of that, though I will bring up what I learn from time to time. If your interest is peaked, check out the resources in the widgets. Instead, I am going to commit to blogging at least once a week, on a topic in relation to the Houses. There is an order to them that is like a metaphor for the journey of life, so it seemed appropriate to use for a spiritual journey. The 1st House is in Aries, represents the Self and Identity, and is ruled by Mars, which represents our Passions and our Body. Also, as I’m starting this we are coming up on the beginning of the sign of Leo, which is my Rising Sign, so it seems an appropriate time for me to be starting this journey, especially in a public, yet self-directed way.

As with the beginning of life, I am choosing a name to use for this journey: Starshadow. It may be corny, but appropriately witchy for me and reinforces the astrology theme with the light side and shadow side of each Sign. The “Saharan” from my blog name come from my middle name, Sahara, which is Arabic for moon, also appropriate for astrology and the name my mother gave me, so represents my roots.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for joining me on this journey, however briefly you may stay.

 

Appearance: Day 2 & 3

Tuesday was my day off. I did as much vegging as I could stand, which meant Mario Kart with my boy, finally watching Captain America: Civil War, 4 loads of laundry, and 2 dozen multi-flavored cupcakes. 

Spent an hour in the bathroom that night after child fell asleep. I used body sugar scrub and sat down to do a whole body lotion massage thing. I also attempted to blow dry my hair straight, which kind of worked. Today I used my nice moisturizer and did eye make up. 

I feel pretty good. Wouldn’t want to do this all the time, but should do it more often. 



Slightly Kilroy photo, but I used shimmery eye shadow in blues and purples to match my shirt. 

Appearance: Day 1

Got started late (I love sleep, hate mornings), so showered and did a quick maintenance shave, but I used my Sensual body wash from Bath & Body Works and the same scented lotion when I got out. Used my nice toner on my face and root lifter and BB cream in my hair with a curl enhancer, then did the whole blow drying thing. Wore my favorite heels with a black skirt and top. 

Compliment received at work: “I love those shoes!”
Compliment received before leaving the house: “You look sexy today, girl!”

Overall, feeling pretty good. These shoes always make me happy. A little disappointed I didn’t get up when I planned and could have used some mascara, but it’s Day 1. 

Body of Work

So, back on my original track here at the end of the First House: The body and my connection to it. Astrologically, the First House is ruled by Aries, which has the planetary ruler of Mars. Mars is in charge of your Passion, Drive, Fight, Sex Drive, and, basically, what gets you out of bed in the morning, but it is also in charge of the experience of having a body. And it is a very interesting experience.

I’ve already talked a little today on my body in terms of identity with being overweight, but curvy and being fairly capable. I’ll probably repeat some of that here, but I want to go in a bit different direction.

When I first got the idea for this post, I was looking specifically at engaging in body positivity and addressing my own discomfort with my body. There was a relevant experience to go with this: one night, I went over to hang out with some friends, including the guy I am seeing and his other girlfriend (if you missed this info, sorry, feel free to listen for a more in depth explanation). The people there are fairly comfortable with their bodies and so I walked in on topless people. Feeling slightly embarrassed but curious, I took the opportunity to engage in some selective nudity.

I was surprised at how simultaneously comfortable and uncomfortable I was. I think of my body as less Body by Victoria and more Body by Victorian, and while I have some discomfort with my size, I knew I was among people who didn’t find it to be an issue, yet I couldn’t quite shake the urge to cover up. I had managed to relax a bit when one of the roommates I didn’t realize was home waltzed into the kitchen for a late night snack. He actually didn’t notice a thing, focused as he was. Of course, my discomfort still spiked, but I waited it out and put my shirt and bra back on as I was getting ready to leave, feeling flushed and a even a little liberated.

And yet, when I started getting into the range of messages in the body positive label, I was taken aback and some of that discomfort returned. There were parts I expected: love your body for all it does for you, love your body as it is, you are perfect the way you are, how to get a bikini body: put a bikini on your body….. and there was the other end, too: goals for fitness that were entirely appearance dependent and very rigid, motivational models for keeping to your workout, and the ever-present “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Some of the stuff in the middle had a very able-bodied person approach to a positive frame of mind. There was even a woman who had stopped her obsessive work out routine in order to actually enjoy her life, and her post about how much happier and healthier she felt was met with both positive outpourings of support and negative jerks telling her to enjoy diabetes (she had a tiny bit of padding over her belly rather than being as cut as her before pics – hardly a poster child for being unhealthy). It was a mess.

The fact is being happy with your body is a hell of a lot more complicated than a daily appreciation, although that can help. We just see too many messages every day that tell us how our appearance should be, too many haters who will go out of their way to try to make you feel bad about some aspect of your appearance, and – Heaven forbid you actually are a very attractive person – how you should handle the affect your appearance has on others. I don’t think a positive mantra is really enough to fully counteract all the negative.

My original idea for activities this week was going to be body positive mantras and moving mediation. Both of these are fairly mental, though, and Aries and Mars are about physicality and action. So I’m going to up this a bit. My plan is to get up early over the next week and engage in my moving mediation, however, I am also going to spend a significant amount of time on my appearance and see how that affects my mood.

I, in general, am a fairly low maintenance gal. My hair is wash and go, I rarely wear make up, I like nice clothes but I prefer to be comfortable (yoga pants and leggings, y’all), I wear glasses rather than contacts. I’m hygienic, but I shower fast. All in all, while I appreciate my body and my appearance, I just generally have better things to do than fuss over it. This week I plan on taking my time, putting together outfits, crafting a look, trying out clothing items, hair styles, and make up looks that I would normally shy away from, experimenting with presentation. I also plan to spend some time being actively appreciative of my body by pampering it: lotions, face masks, body scrubs, scented candles – to really luxuriate in my senses and the sensations of my body.

And I’ll be logging how I feel and the reactions I receive throughout the week. But, in the meantime, here is a long list of stuff about my body that I like and am thankful for:

  • My body is strong and healthy.
  • My skin is very soft and fairly smooth, especially on my belly.
  • I have fantastic tits.
  • I have curvy hips and a nice, firm booty.
  • My legs are shapely and powerful.
  • My feet are pretty nice – no weird toes or ingrown nail issues.
  • I have excellent posture.
  • I can be fairly graceful – one fellow cast member said I moved like a queen.
  • My body responds quickly improvements, ie. a jump in flexibility when I do yoga.
  • My body tends to retain improvements – I stayed more flexible for 3 months after my first yoga session without any additional sessions.
  • I have some impressive biceps, especially for paying almost no attention to them.
  • I love my tattoos. They each have special meaning for me. 
  • I love my tongue piercing. It brings me such joy.
  • Despite most of my fat appearing on my belly, I still have little ab indents for some inexplicable reason.
  • My hair is super soft. It also has natural waves that tend not to be too frizzy and are fine with me straightening them as long as I do it methodically. 
  • What little gray hair I find, usually tends to be a really cool silvery color. Hoping that stays.
  • I have really long, thick eyelashes and light, fairly well-behaved eye brows.
  • The hair on my head grows fast and thick, the hair on my body tends to grow fine and slow.
  • I have excellent hearing and acute sense of taste and smell.
  • I have really nice fingernails – they grow fast and strong.
  • I enjoy a wide range of flavor profiles that allows me to really appreciate a variety of foods.
  • I have a pretty singing voice and, damn, I can project.
  • I can swim pretty well.
  • I am also an excellent kisser. Among other oral abilities.
  • I have sensitive skin and a responsive body. 
  • I have a full range of movement in everything except my left ankle due to the plate.
  • I was able to breastfeed my child – I fed and provided antibodies to a human with my body! The research on this stuff is intense. Your tits are molecular chemists – respect!
  • I’m a decent wrestler, actually. Hand-to-hand was fun for me. 
  • My natural tastes favor pretty healthy foods.
  • I’m not ill very often.
  • Despite being near-sighted and having an astigmatism, I have excellent color differentiation. I proved it on a black and white photo for UW-L’s steamboat collection – I could read the name of the boat when no one else could see it – we had to adjust the contrast for anyone else to make it out – it was previously listed as unidentified.
  • I have a very expressive face. It has been used for mime. 
  • I have pretty good teeth, especially for never having had braces. 
  • I heal quickly – burns, in particular.
  • My hand-eye coordination is pretty decent.
  • I have steady hands that allow me to do amazing things, like draw pictures or blood.
  • I like my cheekbones.
  • The navy rims around my pale blue irises are intriguing.
  • People really enjoy my smile. 
  • I love the way my body feels right before a storm.