Ai, me… Ack! L’Amour….

So, a friend asked me to do a chart for a friend of hers as an experiment. This is very appealing to me as a Virgo and someone with my Venus in Virgo, because I have a love of and find pleasure in deep and complicated critical analysis. But as my Venus is also in my 3rd House with that Gemini energy, my word, has this been distracting. Especially when I found out I was on the right track about something – just had to dig in. Right now I have him labeled Mystery Man, because I have no idea what his name is. Also, gotta say, it’s a little odd having intimate birth details for someone you don’t know the name of and have never met and then try to write to explain what you’re seeing. I’ll ask my friend to ask him if I can share some things and how accurate or inaccurate it is. It’s been an interesting exercise.

Venus in Virgo in the 3rd House. What can I say? It’s a mess.

Ok, Venus is the planet of happiness, romantic love, relationships with others, material pleasures… all that happy shit. Well, she’s stuck in the 3rd House, Gemini’s variety loving, let’s just all have fun, up and down moods place, ruled by Virgo, with all her devoted, earthy sensuality and highly critical side-eye. All the good and bad of Mercury. All of it. You’d think the Moon hanging out next to her in Libra, which she rules would be able to

*Please, tell me I wasn’t the only one who giggled. I wasn’t even trying to be funny – Uranus rules Aquarius, the unorthodox rebel. It’s against the norms.

help her out, but that girl is taking a square block from Jupiter (which can represent the husband in a woman’s chart – sorry, a lot of astrology is pretty heteronormative even when you throw Uranus* in there) and she’s not far behind on that block, then getting her own square block from Neptune (planet of merging oneness, but also illusions), a trine with Ceres (a dwarf planet) in Taurus, which gives her an independent bent, and a near opposition with Lilith in Pisces (the Black Moon, this is a computed point rather than a celestial body like North and South Nodes in a chart – I won’t go too far into it), which basically means I have issues with the concept of merging who I am with another. In addition, Aquarius, detached and freedom loving, is ruling my House of Partnership and Marriage, as well as my House of Sex, Death, and Joint Debts (those things you deal with after marriage). The more partnered, loving signs are saved for my Houses of Home and Family/Soul, Philosophy and Life Purpose, Social Welfare, and the Deep Unconscious and Spiritual Collective.

If all that made your head spin, I don’t blame you. There’s also a whole thing with certain planets being debilitated in certain degrees of certain signs, but that gets even more complicated. From what I can tell, my Venus is debilitated and is aspected by my Jupiter, which is also debilitated, giving my romance issues a nice, expanded quality. In Vedic astrology, it call comes down to bad love juju, probably karmic.

In practice, it means I have a fairly idealistic view of romance and devotion, and I’m not going to settle for anything less than that (Venus in Virgo), especially if it means giving up on the things I want to do with my life. Putting her in the 3rd House also means lots of short term relationships and that I crave witty, friendly, flirty communication, but I will be extremely critical of how perspective partners approach me. I lose interest quickly. Both Gemini and Virgo are intellectual signs, so I am sapiosexual. Also, my Virgo Venus and Gemini flavored assholery really has no patience for poorly thought out passes – the Virgo side spots it right away and will critically pick apart what was said and the Gemini side just gets offended – if you are going to play the game at least be good at it (and the Virgo side HATES the game). They both enjoy verbal word play.

Things I have actually said to men who were flirting with me. I want to stress here, I wasn’t actually trying to be mean, it’s just the knee jerk reaction.

  1. At a club in Clarksville on a night I looked really good (that was a weird fuckin’ night, by the way):
    • I go to the bar to buy a drink and a stranger offered to buy – “Oh, that’s very sweet, but I’m not going to sleep with you, so feel free to take back the offer.” He processed that by way of a slow blink, “No, it’s ok.” “Well, thank you then.” Honestly, I would not have been at all offended if he had taken back the drink.
    • Someone in command over me and decently older decided to confess that he thought we had a connection in Iraq and, normally, he wouldn’t say anything, but I was getting out soon, sooooo…. “Oh, um… well, actually, I have a boyfriend and I’m only 21, so-” “So, fuck off?” “Well, nicer than that, but in essence.” I was flattered. He was notoriously shallow by his own admission, so my ego was stroked, but seeing as one of his top descriptors of me during deployment was “anal retentive” but in a “positive way,” kinda threw off that whole connection thing.
  2. At a bar near my house after I paid my rent and still in my work uniform: “Hey there, sweetie. I was just hanging with my friends over there and I just had to come over talk to you, you so cute.” (For real, this was said to me, I’m not embellishing). “Wow, and my appearance is the least of my selling points. You should probably run while you can.” In all fairness to him, he did end up walking away with my number, but mostly because he was studying for an advanced degree in child psychology, which I found fascinating.
  3. A drunken call from a friend late one night: Him – “I love you!” Me – “No, you don’t, you’re just drunk.” Him – “Oh. Damn, why you gotta call me out like that?” Me – “Cuz you’re drunk. Please, tell me you’ll get home safe.”
  4. Over OKCupid: We were having a more or less pleasant introductory conversation when I innocently asked what he was doing over the weekend having already established that I would be busy. He sent me something to the effect of ‘going down on you’ with some wet emojis. “Hmm, yeah. I wasn’t quite there yet. I’m sapiosexual (which was on my profile) so if you want to get in my pants, you have to get in my head first. If that’s not your thing, no big deal, but if you want to try again, then dazzle me with your wit.” He did not dazzle me.
  5. At a bar in Chicago: “You’ve got to be the prettiest thing on this side of town.” “Gosh, I didn’t even know they were conducting a poll.” Later on because he didn’t leave: “You know, beautiful women could just rule the world.” “Really? Cuz, you know, historically, that’s hasn’t really been true. They get all the blame and none of the actual power. Is there some kind of angle they missed?” (deer in headlight look) “Wow, you’re, um, smart… and you have gorgeous eyes.” “Yes, thank you again. I’ll pass the compliment onto my father – they’re from him.” He was determined. I’ll give him that.
  6. A cat caller (which doesn’t really count as flirting to me, but my face was probably priceless) as I was riding my bike to work: “Daaaamn! You ridin’ that bike!” As I almost die laughing, “Well, yeah. Observant, aren’t we?”

In my defense, I didn’t date much in high school, mostly out of lack of interest in most of the guys I knew who were similarly uninterested in me, but also because even in my head at 14 I was as cynical as a 35 year old divorcee. That being said, I just figured I was unattractive and that was more or less come to terms with in Basic Training. So when people actually do find me attractive, I still have this lingering doubt that they are either making fun of me or they have another agenda.

So, if there were any guys in high school or my early 20’s who were trying to get my attention in all earnestness, sorry about that. It probably wasn’t your fault and I wasn’t trying to be harsh.

That’s the bad. It’s not insignificant and, sadly, most of my past relationships have seen me devoted to the people who really didn’t know what to do with it at best and abused it at worst. But it has led me to some important realizations.

  1. Romance never has been high on my priority list and it probably never will be. It’s good to know, so that I can be clear about it when I do date.
  2. That being said, I don’t do casual well long term unless I have clear and defined boundaries of what casual means to both of us.
  3. Almost all relationships in my head are a ‘for now’ status, even and maybe especially when the other person is showing signs of longevity. It’s like a panic button.
  4. I need to be friends first and foremost. Friendships are generally less restricting and more fulfilling for me.
  5. I will want to be friends with my partner’s friends, but I don’t want to totally share friend/social circles. Too messy and too much time together.
  6. It’s really hard for me to take romantic relationships and romantic words seriously. I do not recover well from an early “I love you.” Even if I want to say it.
  7. There are two ways for a romantic partner to actually let me know they are serious and/or to keep my attention:
    • 3rd House: Bring me new and interesting information or fun stuff to do together that you would also do with your friends. I love good food, but I’ll take a date of samples at a Taste of (insert city name here) event or, hell, walking through a grocery store, choosing a couple of the samples to go back to the living room and watch a Marvel movie marathon over a romantic restaurant any day. I’ll take rock climbing over a romantic stroll. Be unpredictable and interesting.
    • Virgo: Acts of Service is my love language by a lot. And I reciprocate. I will critically analyze your words, but voluntarily doing the dishes, because the sink is full or just because? God, that’s hot. Bringing me a healthy dinner or running my errands on a busy night? I’m yours. Cleaning the toilet? Wash your hands first, but then get over here!

I don’t think all of this is exactly something that I can or necessarily want to change. At least, not as a whole. The thing that bothers me about romance and accounts for some of the reluctance, is that when I do commit to a person, I commit hard and it’s easy for me to sacrifice my needs to meet the other person’s. But, eventually, I’ll resent that. That’s the part I want to work on – the stating of my boundaries and my needs. I have been pretty good about it lately, but it is definitely a work in progress and it is easier for me when things are in a more casual spot.

It’s interesting. When I was reading up on debilitated planets, one of the key things it recommended for overcoming that blockage was to open up the heart chakra, which is usually blocked or closed in individuals with a debilitated Venus. I’ve been having reiki done on and off for about 8 years and every time I go, she has to open up my heart chakra. I do usually feel a little better afterward, happier, more relaxed, more open. Might have to try it a little more often. Until then, I’ll add the affirmations below to my daily meditation.


Author: saharanstarshadow

I'm a mother, a workaholic, a veteran, a pagan, and a queer woman. I have spent the last 18 months in therapy for MST and PTSD and have decided to spend the next year on my spiritual journey.

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