Abundance Anxiety

I’ve been meaning to finish up a few posts on the 5th House, but having a hard time getting down how I want to write about it (the first draft was too dry, the second is too dramatic) and, really, this week has been CRAZY.

So, horoscopically, I was supposed to have a good week financially. Here’s what happened:

Tuesday:

Literally 2 hours after I told my partner that I was having a difficult time not looking for a nice new couch because I needed to save my money for closing costs and rent for the next few months in case I can’t find a subleaser, my realtor texted me to ask if I’d be interested in a free couch – I would just need to pick it up today. As I could actually do that (a stroke of luck in and of itself), I said, yes, as long as I could put it in the garage at the new house, which was agreed upon.

I got a truck and ended up with a very nice, beautiful teal, cushy, large couch, a queen size bed with basic frame, and a twin size bed with a basic frame. The owners didn’t have room for them in their new place and the Salvation Army and Restore wouldn’t be able to get them for another week and a half. We took them to my new house and got to put them in the house because the Seller is almost out and it would just be easier (her words – I think she feels bad because she was supposed to be out already, but I’m totally fine with it.)

The Seller at my house stated she would need a little extension to be out (again not a problem for me) and asked to barter for it (apparently, after the initial closing date it costs her money to be there and, really, quite a lot of money). I had been hoping I would have enough cash to buy the lawnmower for $100, since I don’t have one and know I will need one. She is giving me the lawnmower, a nice ladder, some paint for the spare bedroom and bathroom (in case of any scuffs and such upon move in and for touch ups down the line), a bag of mulch for the garden (along with all the seed packets, so I know what is in it), a linen cupboard, and a large rug that probably cost between $70-80. And then her realtor offered me a nice lamp she was going to get rid of in a garage sale that she never ended up having.

Wednesday:

I was offered the permanent position at my full time job, which means great benefits and more than a dollar an hour raise. It is also $3+/hour more than I was making at the job from October. I was very pleased to accept this offer.

I went to one of my part time jobs and got my first paycheck. I found out I’m making $2/hour more than I thought. Who knew?

I also talked with my mortgage lender and my closing costs had gone from a possible $800 I would need to pay on Friday to $377. I asked whether that was likely to change a lot in 2 days and was told ….eh, well, possibly, but hopefully will stay the same or go down. Hopefully. I sent out some quick good vibes and went back to work.

Thursday:

I received the final approval for my home loan. I got in touch with my mortgage lender to see what the final tally was on closing costs. $1787.00 was coming back to me. I had him repeat himself several times until he finally said, “Yes, they will be giving you a check for that amount tomorrow when you sign the paperwork.” Apparently, with proration and the Seller staying in the house the extra 3 weeks, it wiped out my closing costs and then some. I also found out my mortgage payments will be about $70 lower a month than I planned for and my first payment isn’t due until February 1st.

Friday:

I signed all the paperwork to close on my house and they gave me a check for $1787.00. That covers, easily, all the rent I may have to pay through May, connection costs to get my new house up and running, and repaying my mom for the initial Earnest Money.

I also found out on Thursday that a plethora of good news causes me to almost have a panic attack. I don’t know if it’s my morbid Scorpio nature hanging out on the cusp of my house of Joy, the fact that the optimistic planet of Jupiter is in the most pessimistic sign, or if my sense of balance just got punched in the face, but I could not accept that all of these things in my life were going right at the same time.

CrazyExWhatHappyFeelsLike

These are big things. Also, my love life hasn’t gone to crap. So I couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong. I was going to get to the signing and they were going to realize I owed the $1800. I would get all set up and then something huge was going to break (even with the insurance and home warranty, my imagination can come up with something to exceed both). I’m personally betting on my car finally going kaput, because, even with the extra cash, it’s not enough to rebuild the transmission or get a new car. There’s a worry whispering from the back about my grandma. Life, in general, doesn’t go this well. My life, in particular, does not go this well.

Truth be told, I’m kind of still in that zone, but I’m past the initial sense of dread and on to a cautious optimism. I mean, I have worked hard for these things… It’s just a really big change from 2 months ago. Part of me feels like maybe this is a reward from the Universe for being trusting and going through with the house and not letting depression stop me from interviewing right away after losing my job. Another part is arguing that the Universe is also probably laughing at me, watching my reaction to getting a bunch of stuff at once. These aren’t mutually exclusive, of course.

Crushing It

Sooooo, that’s been my week….. Abundant, like my 5th House. We’ll see how this goes in a couple weeks when I’m able to get in and start doing all my fixing and measuring – a very Virgo thing as I’m going into my Virgo House.

It’s been very difficult not to spend the money I just got and not all in bad ways, but I’ve noticed I’m swinging back and forth between really responsible and total shopping spree in my head. So far, I have put a month of rent and my first mortgage payment in my savings, I threw an extra $100 at one credit card and $50 at another, and I spent $150 at a new store in the mall for clothes that look fabulous on me, all work appropriate but still cute enough to wear on dates. I have to keep reminding myself that paying off all the credit cards doesn’t actually help the credit that much in the end and that I still have a ways to go with getting things set up and I need to take my time. There’s no reason not to leave that money right where it is. That being said, I am very relieved that I can buy Xmas presents this year. I wasn’t planning on being able to do much.

On another note, I think the panic set off one of the weird conjunctions in my 5th House. I have Mars and Uranus right next to each other. Some astrologist refer to it as the Daredevil Combo, but one of the combination qualities they site explained some weird stuff I’ve dealt with before: an abundance of electrical energy. The combination of Mars’s physicality and drive with Uranus’s crazy and electrical feeling creates a very electric feel to my energy and the tendency to get shocked or do the shocking. When I am in a state of high energy, I can and have shorted out electrical equipment. In the middle of some relationship trouble last year, I got an upsetting text and when I went back to my work computer, it promptly crashed and could not be fixed. Prior to that, just after I had a really big break through in therapy, it felt like I was defibrillating my own heart (yeah, that sucked). Thursday I started shorting out my phone.

Related to that, my energy gets heightened right before thunderstorms. During them is when I sleep the best, like the outside energy matching my inside energy is just really comforting. I have thunderstorm audio set as the background on my meditation app. I’ve been listening to it a lot over the last few days (when I’m not accidentally crashing it) and doing some deep breathing. The phone shorting out is calming down now that I am.

Because, even though this isn’t quite what happy feels like, I’m going to do my best to make the most of this sudden but inevitable betra- blessing. This blessing.

betrayal

 

Author: saharanstarshadow

I'm a mother, a workaholic, a veteran, a pagan, and a queer woman. I have spent the last 18 months in therapy for MST and PTSD and have decided to spend the next year on my spiritual journey.

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