Delving into my spirituality and analyzing my Soul Path through my Body (health and sexuality), my Mind (learning and communication), and my Soul (esoteric and meditative experiences) through learning astrology.
I'm a mother, a workaholic, a veteran, a pagan, and a queer woman. I have spent the last 18 months in therapy for MST and PTSD and have decided to spend the next year on my spiritual journey.
For the most part, I will keep this blog about me and my journey, but tonight I thought it relevant to bring up the journey of another beautiful, brave, and influential person in my life: My sister.
I feel it’s appropriate to bring her up into this for two reasons. 1) I’m moving into the 4th House, which is the House of Home and Family, the Soul, the Mother, ruled by Cancer, protective and intuitive, in ancient times called the “dark sign” because the constellation was partially obscured and the sign itself is ruled by the Moon, with her effects on the tides and people. My little sister, maybe even more than my son, brings out the mother in me in a very positive way (I’ll come back to this complicated bit in more detail in another post).
And 2) I am moving into this warm and dark House on what would have been the 1st anniversary of my sister and her soulmate’s wedding, and he was lost suddenly and too soon. I did not get to know him as well as I would have liked – I, like many, made the mistake of thinking I had more time – but I knew him enough to know that he ignited her passion, lifted her up, and made her feel safe at the same time. And I feel incredibly blessed to be one of the first people she shared her crazy and unexpected love story with.
I miss him. I miss knowing that, while they had their problems, she was the happiest and most secure she had ever been.
And, in a lot of ways, that is what this House is about. The safety and security that is found both in another person, whether it be your mother, caregiver, soulmate, or child, and also in yourself, when the soul is at rest.
There’s a reason we are so protective of it. Deep down, we know the flip side is loss. The moon is beautiful, but she waxes and wanes, whether we want her to or not. And sometimes we can’t see her at all. It’s easy in the darkest of times to feel abandoned.
I will never stop wishing there was a way to make those dark times easier. And not just easier, but easy. I wish that was something I could do, and, especially, for her.
So, tonight, I will have a Dziak-tail (a shot of Four Roses, a slap in the face, and a hug – a wonderful interpretation of my dear brother-in-law), remember him fondly, and toast to the knowledge that something beautiful and rare existed for my gorgeous and talented sister and that, of all the people I know, she is the most wise and well-equipped for dealing with the intense and complicated emotions that I can only guess at. And to the knowledge that, when she needs me, I’ll be there.
So, a friend asked me to do a chart for a friend of hers as an experiment. This is very appealing to me as a Virgo and someone with my Venus in Virgo, because I have a love of and find pleasure in deep and complicated critical analysis. But as my Venus is also in my 3rd House with that Gemini energy, my word, has this been distracting. Especially when I found out I was on the right track about something – just had to dig in. Right now I have him labeled Mystery Man, because I have no idea what his name is. Also, gotta say, it’s a little odd having intimate birth details for someone you don’t know the name of and have never met and then try to write to explain what you’re seeing. I’ll ask my friend to ask him if I can share some things and how accurate or inaccurate it is. It’s been an interesting exercise.
Venus in Virgo in the 3rd House. What can I say? It’s a mess.
Ok, Venus is the planet of happiness, romantic love, relationships with others, material pleasures… all that happy shit. Well, she’s stuck in the 3rd House, Gemini’s variety loving, let’s just all have fun, up and down moods place, ruled by Virgo, with all her devoted, earthy sensuality and highly critical side-eye. All the good and bad of Mercury. All of it. You’d think the Moon hanging out next to her in Libra, which she rules would be able to
help her out, but that girl is taking a square block from Jupiter (which can represent the husband in a woman’s chart – sorry, a lot of astrology is pretty heteronormative even when you throw Uranus* in there) and she’s not far behind on that block, then getting her own square block from Neptune (planet of merging oneness, but also illusions), a trine with Ceres (a dwarf planet) in Taurus, which gives her an independent bent, and a near opposition with Lilith in Pisces (the Black Moon, this is a computed point rather than a celestial body like North and South Nodes in a chart – I won’t go too far into it), which basically means I have issues with the concept of merging who I am with another. In addition, Aquarius, detached and freedom loving, is ruling my House of Partnership and Marriage, as well as my House of Sex, Death, and Joint Debts (those things you deal with after marriage). The more partnered, loving signs are saved for my Houses of Home and Family/Soul, Philosophy and Life Purpose, Social Welfare, and the Deep Unconscious and Spiritual Collective.
If all that made your head spin, I don’t blame you. There’s also a whole thing with certain planets being debilitated in certain degrees of certain signs, but that gets even more complicated. From what I can tell, my Venus is debilitated and is aspected by my Jupiter, which is also debilitated, giving my romance issues a nice, expanded quality. In Vedic astrology, it call comes down to bad love juju, probably karmic.
In practice, it means I have a fairly idealistic view of romance and devotion, and I’m not going to settle for anything less than that (Venus in Virgo), especially if it means giving up on the things I want to do with my life. Putting her in the 3rd House also means lots of short term relationships and that I crave witty, friendly, flirty communication, but I will be extremely critical of how perspective partners approach me. I lose interest quickly. Both Gemini and Virgo are intellectual signs, so I am sapiosexual. Also, my Virgo Venus and Gemini flavored assholery really has no patience for poorly thought out passes – the Virgo side spots it right away and will critically pick apart what was said and the Gemini side just gets offended – if you are going to play the game at least be good at it (and the Virgo side HATES the game). They both enjoy verbal word play.
Things I have actually said to men who were flirting with me. I want to stress here, I wasn’t actually trying to be mean, it’s just the knee jerk reaction.
At a club in Clarksville on a night I looked really good (that was a weird fuckin’ night, by the way):
I go to the bar to buy a drink and a stranger offered to buy – “Oh, that’s very sweet, but I’m not going to sleep with you, so feel free to take back the offer.” He processed that by way of a slow blink, “No, it’s ok.” “Well, thank you then.” Honestly, I would not have been at all offended if he had taken back the drink.
Someone in command over me and decently older decided to confess that he thought we had a connection in Iraq and, normally, he wouldn’t say anything, but I was getting out soon, sooooo…. “Oh, um… well, actually, I have a boyfriend and I’m only 21, so-” “So, fuck off?” “Well, nicer than that, but in essence.” I was flattered. He was notoriously shallow by his own admission, so my ego was stroked, but seeing as one of his top descriptors of me during deployment was “anal retentive” but in a “positive way,” kinda threw off that whole connection thing.
At a bar near my house after I paid my rent and still in my work uniform: “Hey there, sweetie. I was just hanging with my friends over there and I just had to come over talk to you, you so cute.” (For real, this was said to me, I’m not embellishing). “Wow, and my appearance is the least of my selling points. You should probably run while you can.” In all fairness to him, he did end up walking away with my number, but mostly because he was studying for an advanced degree in child psychology, which I found fascinating.
A drunken call from a friend late one night: Him – “I love you!” Me – “No, you don’t, you’re just drunk.” Him – “Oh. Damn, why you gotta call me out like that?” Me – “Cuz you’re drunk. Please, tell me you’ll get home safe.”
Over OKCupid: We were having a more or less pleasant introductory conversation when I innocently asked what he was doing over the weekend having already established that I would be busy. He sent me something to the effect of ‘going down on you’ with some wet emojis. “Hmm, yeah. I wasn’t quite there yet. I’m sapiosexual (which was on my profile) so if you want to get in my pants, you have to get in my head first. If that’s not your thing, no big deal, but if you want to try again, then dazzle me with your wit.” He did not dazzle me.
At a bar in Chicago: “You’ve got to be the prettiest thing on this side of town.” “Gosh, I didn’t even know they were conducting a poll.” Later on because he didn’t leave: “You know, beautiful women could just rule the world.” “Really? Cuz, you know, historically, that’s hasn’t really been true. They get all the blame and none of the actual power. Is there some kind of angle they missed?” (deer in headlight look) “Wow, you’re, um, smart… and you have gorgeous eyes.” “Yes, thank you again. I’ll pass the compliment onto my father – they’re from him.” He was determined. I’ll give him that.
A cat caller (which doesn’t really count as flirting to me, but my face was probably priceless) as I was riding my bike to work: “Daaaamn! You ridin’ that bike!” As I almost die laughing, “Well, yeah. Observant, aren’t we?”
In my defense, I didn’t date much in high school, mostly out of lack of interest in most of the guys I knew who were similarly uninterested in me, but also because even in my head at 14 I was as cynical as a 35 year old divorcee. That being said, I just figured I was unattractive and that was more or less come to terms with in Basic Training. So when people actually do find me attractive, I still have this lingering doubt that they are either making fun of me or they have another agenda.
So, if there were any guys in high school or my early 20’s who were trying to get my attention in all earnestness, sorry about that. It probably wasn’t your fault and I wasn’t trying to be harsh.
That’s the bad. It’s not insignificant and, sadly, most of my past relationships have seen me devoted to the people who really didn’t know what to do with it at best and abused it at worst. But it has led me to some important realizations.
Romance never has been high on my priority list and it probably never will be. It’s good to know, so that I can be clear about it when I do date.
That being said, I don’t do casual well long term unless I have clear and defined boundaries of what casual means to both of us.
Almost all relationships in my head are a ‘for now’ status, even and maybe especially when the other person is showing signs of longevity. It’s like a panic button.
I need to be friends first and foremost. Friendships are generally less restricting and more fulfilling for me.
I will want to be friends with my partner’s friends, but I don’t want to totally share friend/social circles. Too messy and too much time together.
It’s really hard for me to take romantic relationships and romantic words seriously. I do not recover well from an early “I love you.” Even if I want to say it.
There are two ways for a romantic partner to actually let me know they are serious and/or to keep my attention:
3rd House: Bring me new and interesting information or fun stuff to do together that you would also do with your friends. I love good food, but I’ll take a date of samples at a Taste of (insert city name here) event or, hell, walking through a grocery store, choosing a couple of the samples to go back to the living room and watch a Marvel movie marathon over a romantic restaurant any day. I’ll take rock climbing over a romantic stroll. Be unpredictable and interesting.
Virgo: Acts of Service is my love language by a lot. And I reciprocate. I will critically analyze your words, but voluntarily doing the dishes, because the sink is full or just because? God, that’s hot. Bringing me a healthy dinner or running my errands on a busy night? I’m yours. Cleaning the toilet? Wash your hands first, but then get over here!
I don’t think all of this is exactly something that I can or necessarily want to change. At least, not as a whole. The thing that bothers me about romance and accounts for some of the reluctance, is that when I do commit to a person, I commit hard and it’s easy for me to sacrifice my needs to meet the other person’s. But, eventually, I’ll resent that. That’s the part I want to work on – the stating of my boundaries and my needs. I have been pretty good about it lately, but it is definitely a work in progress and it is easier for me when things are in a more casual spot.
It’s interesting. When I was reading up on debilitated planets, one of the key things it recommended for overcoming that blockage was to open up the heart chakra, which is usually blocked or closed in individuals with a debilitated Venus. I’ve been having reiki done on and off for about 8 years and every time I go, she has to open up my heart chakra. I do usually feel a little better afterward, happier, more relaxed, more open. Might have to try it a little more often. Until then, I’ll add the affirmations below to my daily meditation.
Calming my Gypsy Heart with chocolate-covered lessons….
The Moon means a lot of things in astrology: your inner thoughts, your true personality, your instinctual reactions, your home, your mother, your deepest sense of comfort, some astrologers equate it with the soul. I’ve been thinking about this a lot this week, because I am considering buying a house. In and of itself, that is a big deal – a major life milestone. For me, it’s an even bigger deal and causes a simultaneous sense of excitement and panic.
The Excitement: I’ve never really lived alone and I am looking forward to having that space and final say-so on different aspects of my home. It will also, most likely, be cheaper than trying to find a suitable apartment for me, my son, my kitty, and the companion kitty he is going to need to survive (I have a cat-shaped dog). Even if I get a loan for the full $100,000, I will be looking at a payment of roughly $748/month with taxes and insurance, easily what I would be paying for a 2 bedroom with cat rent, probably less. Also, I like decorating and gardening, so that definitely comes into play.
The Panic: So many things to think about, not least of which is saving enough for closing costs, which could be up to $4,000. But that’s not really it… It’s the thought of putting down something that amounts to permanent roots, at least in the relatively foreseeable future sense. It’s not that I don’t like La Crosse. There’s some changes with downtown parking that make me wanna cuff a few bureaucrats upside the head, but otherwise, the town is fairly charming and I’ve made some good friends. I like the layout and the atmosphere. I’m gently wading into the community.
It just feels static to me. It feels small, tight, constricting. Not the city. Just the idea of home-owning.
I’ve already been here 7 years. This would mean committing to at least 10 more with a financial commitment of up to 30. From a life to this point perspective, that’s longer than I lived in my childhood home. For a Moon in a Gemini house, that’s an eternity.
Plus, I doubt I’ll find one of these:
You can build Hobbit holes now, but even if I could design my own at the best and most reasonable price, I still will run into the fact that I don’t know where to put it. I haven’t found “home” yet. I may not ever find that place I feel like I belong.
So the questions I’ve been sitting with are these: Is that ok? Is a physical place for belonging something I really need to find? Is a more nomadic lifestyle something I might need in the depths of my soul?
It’s hard to say.
What has been coming to mind as I write this is one of my favorite movies: Chocolat. If you’re familiar with it, maybe you can see why – unorthodox and restless single mom with a child who craves stability settles into a small French town and, after a lot of struggle, wins everyone over with kindness and chocolate. So, clearly, I just need to live above a chocolaterie, make friends with Judi Dench and Lena Olin, seduce Johnny Depp, and win over Alfred Molina and Carrie-Ann Moss, then throw my mother’s ashes to the wind, and I’ll finally belong.
Just kidding. Mostly.
In actuality, what I’m taking from the movie in terms of calming my inner gypsy is the fact that what really gave her a sense of a belonging was feeling like she made a difference, improved some lives, and, in so doing, improved her own. That’s definitely something I think would be of comfort to me. And, realistically, it’s something that would be easier to do with a stable home life.
So, here I am, repeatedly reminding myself that it’s not forever, it doesn’t mean I can’t travel, and, really, carving out a space of my own might be incredibly empowering.
With so much going on in my head (a near constant state for me), I decided to talk it out. Again. I rambled a lot in this, but that’s part of kind of why I’m going through this journey, to work through the more confusing aspects of my life.
This is a very astrologically heavy post. I talk about the planets in this House, the House itself, and the blending of the signs in this House. The House is traditionally ruled by Gemini, so adds a Gemini aspect to the planets. I have Virgo on the cusp, so that colors the planets in this House as well. And then my Moon is in Libra, so that adds a third aspect. I go over a lot of that and will save the more spiritual, active portion of how I want to connect to these aspects for the next few weeks.
Finished an excellent book with well written characters and heart-warming orphans.
This week I decided to narrow my focus down in my hobbies and picked one book to read and finish. And, huzzah, success!!
Today I finished reading Guardians of the Whills, a story from the Star Wars Rogue One universe, focusing primarily on the characters of Baze and Chirrut, with appearances by Saw Gerrera. It was a very good story and provides some wonderful background information on the characters and what has been going on in the Holy City of Jehda when Jyn, Cassian, and K-2 get there. I would highly recommend it.
Hobby Number 2# Goal for the week: Get my books and desk area straightened up so I can, *gasp*, actually use my desk for, like, hobby stuff…..
Today, we are moving into the 3rd House traditionally ruled by Gemini. After the heaviness of the last two, I’m hoping to keep it lighter, more Gemini. This is the House of Hobbies, Siblings, Education, the Community, Local Travel, and Communication. It’s got the nervous, fast, curious energy of Mercury. It’s social and funny and witty.
So, in that spirit, I thought I would kick off with the lighter side of the first planet in this house for me: Venus. Venus is the planet of pleasure, sure, but also just in general of harmony, benefit, romantic love, and playfulness. When we add in this Gemini flavor of the 3rd House along with the fact that my Venus is in Virgo, which is on the cusp of my House, I tend to get a lot of pleasure and happiness out of a lot of different artistic hobbies that involve a certain amount of technique and analysis.
I have waaaaaaayyyy too many hobbies. They come naturally, which is nice (thank you, Venus), but I have far too many to really master any of them. And I’ve noticed they tend to go in cycles. I’ll go through a drawing phase, a writing phase, a reading phase, an arranging (furniture, flowers, art) phase, a singing phase, a dancing phase, a learning phase, a movie phase, an instrumental phase, a cooking phase, a crocheting/cross-stitching phase….. The Virgo side makes me critical of my performance in each of them and I go hardcore on the research and technique, trying to improve and improve quickly….. and then I get bored and I’m on to the next one. Usually when I stick with something for longer, there’s friends or conversation about it involved. One of my most artistic phases was when I was in Korea taking my Myth of Manga course. We were combining learning about illuminated texts from around the world and basing our own artwork on the style. It was fascinating and I was able to produce a rather large portfolio of a variety of detailed work.
That might not sound like a lot of fun to everyone, but I’ve come to terms with it and I enjoy having enough skill in so many areas to be able to play without having an obsession with perfectionism that really requires I pursue it. That being said, I would like to get better about completing some of my hobby projects. Here are some I might consider doing within the next few weeks:
I am currently reading 6 books: 2 soul quest kind of books, 3 novels, and a farce.
I have a cross stitch piece I have about a third to a half done.
I have a painting I’ve been meaning to do.
I have a bedroom I need to finish painting and arranging (I’m so close…).
I did get a part in the play (which is actually kind of a relief), but I have volunteered to work on the set.
I have a couple of drawings started, but not finished.
I have been meaning to go back to All Glazed Up and do another pottery piece.
I haven’t been to karaoke in several months. That’s just wrong.
I want to write the next part of my Lust story posted here.
I’m just going to stop there for now. There’s so much more…. But this week, I’m going to make it my goal to pick one thing, just one, and finish it. I’ll post it on here somewhere. And in the ADD nature of Gemini, I am going to finish up and figure out which one of these is gonna get my full attention.
I auditioned for a play…. I need to work on my dialects.
On a spur of the moment decision, prompted by a compatible rehearsal schedule, I decided to audition for the community theater’s production of And Then There Were None, adapted from Agatha Christie’s novel. It was an interesting experience as they are planning on doing the entire thing in English dialects, but didn’t say that until we were in the room and did not want to hear anything in “American” if we could help it.
Soooo, I got stuck in Southern for a bit. Eventually I was able to get more British, but it took a minute. Pretty sure I won’t get a part, but it was still a fun way to spend an evening and I hope to help out on set and with costuming. I thought, with all the heavy stuff, it was a good idea to take another lesson from the Taurus house and take time to enjoy life, follow some of my passions, and, heading into the Gemini house, to do something social and community oriented.