The Crazy Train

Mars conjunct Uranus. The Daredevil Combination. Manic Energy. People with this combination include:  Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Ricky Gervais, Robert Downy Jr., Johnny Depp, Clint Eastwood, Lucy Liu, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

For me, this combo is an endless source of pride and frustration. On the one hand, this combo gives me the passion and drive (Mars) to express (Leo House) my deepest thoughts and desires (Scorpio cusp) and philosophical standpoints (Sagittarius) and to own them without necessary imposing them on others (Uranus). I also attribute to this combo my ability to do things other people call brave without really thinking much about it, because I was in pursuit of something bigger – joining the Army during a time of war, joining the convoy security team and the QRF (Quick Reaction Force) team, studying abroad in Korea and bringing my 3-year-old son with me, walking alone at night (if I lost you there, that’s not really something women are supposed to do and many don’t). It’s probably also where I get my diverse taste in people and activities, including my sexual tastes (again Scorpio on the cusp and Sagittarius is known as the try-sexual sign).

On the other hand, some of the stuff above could be termed reckless. My Sun and Mercury are conjunct in Virgo in the 2nd House, which generally means I’m not into particularly risky things. I like to think things through and analyze the situation. But everything I described above didn’t feel reckless or risky when I was doing them. They felt natural.

I’ve mentioned before that maybe I don’t always make the best decisions in my love life. It probably comes down to impulse control. Funnily enough, I (generally) have pretty good impulse control in a lot of things: home, finances, work, shopping, homework…. but when it comes to school (and 5th House can represent your formal higher education – high school and early college), creative endeavors, and romance/sex…. I’m weird about that stuff. Both planets are energetic, independent, and somewhat impulsive.

Creativity:

butterfly pillow
It’s seen some wear and tear since 2010, but it’s still kicking. I used a suede pillow case and gold ribbon.

I will spend $50-100 at a craft or fabric store for supplies to make things I have every intention of making, usually by learning something I’ve never done before – it’ll sit in a bin forever or, maybe, I’ll do bits and pieces every so often. It took me years to complete a cross stitch butterfly and make it into a pillow. I did about 50% of it on the plane over to Kuwait my first deployment, picked it up now and again to do bits while deployed, let it sit in my packed up stuff for about 7 years, then finally finished it when I moved to La Crosse. I have a purse I’m crocheting for my best friend….. eventually. It’s about 2/3 done and I haven’t worked on it in almost a year. I have about 7 canvases waiting to be painted – I know what I want to paint, I have the stuff… just haven’t started… cuz, well, it’s work. And I want to get it right.

I have this amazing idea for personalized emergency spa kits for Christmas gifts…. I’ve had this idea for 3 years and the only reason I don’t have all the stuff for it is because I’ve managed to remind myself that I have about 6000 other projects and why would this one be any different? And I still have to stay out of certain aisles at Michael’s, so I don’t walk out with all the stuff. Seriously, last year I had a basket full of the supplies and I literally had to set it down and flee the store. I never do that – I always put back what I don’t intend to buy, but I knew if I didn’t leave right then, I would buy all the supplies at a time when I really couldn’t afford it.

Sexuality:

Cut out pin up

Both Mars and Uranus are about putting yourself out there in different ways – Mars does it through physicality, either putting your body in harm’s way or pursuing what you desire; Uranus does it through mentality, specifically on a spiritual and collective level by, more or less, owning your weird. I am very likely to approach the people I am interested in and not to feel personally affronted if they aren’t into me that way. I am much less comfortable the other way around.

My sense of romance is off beat and detached. I’m not a flowers and jewelry kind of girl. The sexiest things you can do are 1) show me something you’re intensely interested in but makes you feel vulnerable sharing, and 2) bring things to my attention you think I would be interested in because you’ve taken the time to get to know me. Nothing ignites my passion faster. That being said, most of the time, my interest doesn’t last long. I’ve had more than a few times where I’ve had a really electric energy with someone and an intense curiosity and, once that has been explored a bit, it’s gone and I’m just done with the relationship or experience. More often than not, I become more detached through physical experiences. The only way to keep me interested is to keep my mind engaged.

Education:

Sooooo….. I have a bachelors. Not too impressive, except that I got it while raising a child as a single mother and working a lot at the same time. But I love to learn and to go deep with it (that freaking Scorpio and Sag combo again). I love higher learning, philosophy, psychology, sociology, history, politics (I also hate politics), languages, cultures, physiology, biology, scientific inquiry and systems.  I have a knack for spotting patterns and making connections between the different subjects I’m learning. I’m not super into math, but taking Statistics was interesting because it applied to philosophy (Normal is only normal because it’s average and everything averages out eventually – it’s actually a Law in math).  

Running inside a brainThe problem with this is I have too many interests, I can see how things are connected and so I want to learn all the tangential stuff, too, and I don’t have a lot of time. For most of my college career, I had a double major and a double minor, and I still took classes that didn’t apply to any of them. Like Introduction to Computer Programming (I already had the math credits and an overabundance on the language credits). The semester before I graduated, at a meeting to discuss Student Teaching, I realized I was not going to be able to finish the Eds portion of my degree due to money (not schooling itself – living expenses, travel expenses, and the fact that you really can’t work during student teaching, especially if you have other responsibilities).

I dealt with this (after an internal rant on socioeconomic status vs education – a nice Mars-Uranus blend actually, and a candid conversation with the Dean of the School of Education) by looking at my options, reminding myself that having the Education portion of my English Ed degree wasn’t imperative for teaching abroad, and realizing I could graduate next semester if I switched to English: Writing and Rhetoric. And it’s a good thing I did that, because even cutting my 2 semesters down to 1 semester, I graduated with 159 credits. Had I done things differently, I would be 1 credit off a Masters. Also, had I continued on my then educational path, I would have run up against the school’s 160 credit rule and my tuition would have gone way up. Funny that none of my advisers noticed this.

Driving Ms. Crazy:

All in all, I don’t know that this is something that I’ll ever really have under control. It’s not an “in-control” combination. But, that being said, I think I can work with it. Since I have a lot going on here and the planets have a lot going on, one of the suggestions for balancing this energy is to incorporate energy from the House opposite, in this case, the 11th House, ruled by Aquarius. I see this as looking at my self-expression and creativity in terms of community needs, not just my own. Fortunately, social justice is a passion of mine. I’m hoping here soon, when I tone down my work life, I can really start to get more involved in my community and turn my creative pursuits toward that.

Also, several astrologers recommended physical exercise, specifically yoga or martial arts. I’ve been wanting to do that for quite some time, so I want to get a regular class in one of those areas in my routine, which will be perfect to do as part of my 6th House – the House of Health and Daily Routine.

Other than that, I’ll keep you posted on any crazy developments.

Abundance Anxiety

I’ve been meaning to finish up a few posts on the 5th House, but having a hard time getting down how I want to write about it (the first draft was too dry, the second is too dramatic) and, really, this week has been CRAZY.

So, horoscopically, I was supposed to have a good week financially. Here’s what happened:

Tuesday:

Literally 2 hours after I told my partner that I was having a difficult time not looking for a nice new couch because I needed to save my money for closing costs and rent for the next few months in case I can’t find a subleaser, my realtor texted me to ask if I’d be interested in a free couch – I would just need to pick it up today. As I could actually do that (a stroke of luck in and of itself), I said, yes, as long as I could put it in the garage at the new house, which was agreed upon.

I got a truck and ended up with a very nice, beautiful teal, cushy, large couch, a queen size bed with basic frame, and a twin size bed with a basic frame. The owners didn’t have room for them in their new place and the Salvation Army and Restore wouldn’t be able to get them for another week and a half. We took them to my new house and got to put them in the house because the Seller is almost out and it would just be easier (her words – I think she feels bad because she was supposed to be out already, but I’m totally fine with it.)

The Seller at my house stated she would need a little extension to be out (again not a problem for me) and asked to barter for it (apparently, after the initial closing date it costs her money to be there and, really, quite a lot of money). I had been hoping I would have enough cash to buy the lawnmower for $100, since I don’t have one and know I will need one. She is giving me the lawnmower, a nice ladder, some paint for the spare bedroom and bathroom (in case of any scuffs and such upon move in and for touch ups down the line), a bag of mulch for the garden (along with all the seed packets, so I know what is in it), a linen cupboard, and a large rug that probably cost between $70-80. And then her realtor offered me a nice lamp she was going to get rid of in a garage sale that she never ended up having.

Wednesday:

I was offered the permanent position at my full time job, which means great benefits and more than a dollar an hour raise. It is also $3+/hour more than I was making at the job from October. I was very pleased to accept this offer.

I went to one of my part time jobs and got my first paycheck. I found out I’m making $2/hour more than I thought. Who knew?

I also talked with my mortgage lender and my closing costs had gone from a possible $800 I would need to pay on Friday to $377. I asked whether that was likely to change a lot in 2 days and was told ….eh, well, possibly, but hopefully will stay the same or go down. Hopefully. I sent out some quick good vibes and went back to work.

Thursday:

I received the final approval for my home loan. I got in touch with my mortgage lender to see what the final tally was on closing costs. $1787.00 was coming back to me. I had him repeat himself several times until he finally said, “Yes, they will be giving you a check for that amount tomorrow when you sign the paperwork.” Apparently, with proration and the Seller staying in the house the extra 3 weeks, it wiped out my closing costs and then some. I also found out my mortgage payments will be about $70 lower a month than I planned for and my first payment isn’t due until February 1st.

Friday:

I signed all the paperwork to close on my house and they gave me a check for $1787.00. That covers, easily, all the rent I may have to pay through May, connection costs to get my new house up and running, and repaying my mom for the initial Earnest Money.

I also found out on Thursday that a plethora of good news causes me to almost have a panic attack. I don’t know if it’s my morbid Scorpio nature hanging out on the cusp of my house of Joy, the fact that the optimistic planet of Jupiter is in the most pessimistic sign, or if my sense of balance just got punched in the face, but I could not accept that all of these things in my life were going right at the same time.

CrazyExWhatHappyFeelsLike

These are big things. Also, my love life hasn’t gone to crap. So I couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong. I was going to get to the signing and they were going to realize I owed the $1800. I would get all set up and then something huge was going to break (even with the insurance and home warranty, my imagination can come up with something to exceed both). I’m personally betting on my car finally going kaput, because, even with the extra cash, it’s not enough to rebuild the transmission or get a new car. There’s a worry whispering from the back about my grandma. Life, in general, doesn’t go this well. My life, in particular, does not go this well.

Truth be told, I’m kind of still in that zone, but I’m past the initial sense of dread and on to a cautious optimism. I mean, I have worked hard for these things… It’s just a really big change from 2 months ago. Part of me feels like maybe this is a reward from the Universe for being trusting and going through with the house and not letting depression stop me from interviewing right away after losing my job. Another part is arguing that the Universe is also probably laughing at me, watching my reaction to getting a bunch of stuff at once. These aren’t mutually exclusive, of course.

Crushing It

 

Sooooo, that’s been my week….. Abundant, like my 5th House. We’ll see how this goes in a couple weeks when I’m able to get in and start doing all my fixing and measuring – a very Virgo thing as I’m going into my Virgo House.

It’s been very difficult not to spend the money I just got and not all in bad ways, but I’ve noticed I’m swinging back and forth between really responsible and total shopping spree in my head. So far, I have put a month of rent and my first mortgage payment in my savings, I threw an extra $100 at one credit card and $50 at another, and I spent $150 at a new store in the mall for clothes that look fabulous on me, all work appropriate but still cute enough to wear on dates. I have to keep reminding myself that paying off all the credit cards doesn’t actually help the credit that much in the end and that I still have a ways to go with getting things set up and I need to take my time. There’s no reason not to leave that money right where it is. That being said, I am very relieved that I can buy Xmas presents this year. I wasn’t planning on being able to do much.

On another note, I think the panic set off one of the weird conjunctions in my 5th House. I have Mars and Uranus right next to each other. Some astrologist refer to it as the Daredevil Combo, but one of the combination qualities they site explained some weird stuff I’ve dealt with before: an abundance of electrical energy. The combination of Mars’s physicality and drive with Uranus’s crazy and electrical feeling creates a very electric feel to my energy and the tendency to get shocked or do the shocking. When I am in a state of high energy, I can and have shorted out electrical equipment. In the middle of some relationship trouble last year, I got an upsetting text and when I went back to my work computer, it promptly crashed and could not be fixed. Prior to that, just after I had a really big break through in therapy, it felt like I was defibrillating my own heart (yeah, that sucked). Thursday I started shorting out my phone.

 

 

 

Related to that, my energy gets heightened right before thunderstorms. During them is when I sleep the best, like the outside energy matching my inside energy is just really comforting. I have thunderstorm audio set as the background on my meditation app. I’ve been listening to it a lot over the last few days (when I’m not accidentally crashing it) and doing some deep breathing. The phone shorting out is calming down now that I am.

Because, even though this isn’t quite what happy feels like, I’m going to do my best to make the most of this sudden but inevitable betra- blessing. This blessing.

betrayal

 

Just Some Fun

I auditioned for a play…. I need to work on my dialects.

On a spur of the moment decision, prompted by a compatible rehearsal schedule, I decided to audition for the community theater’s production of And Then There Were None, adapted from Agatha Christie’s novel. It was an interesting experience as they are planning on doing the entire thing in English dialects, but didn’t say that until we were in the room and did not want to hear anything in “American” if we could help it.

Soooo, I got stuck in Southern for a bit. Eventually I was able to get more British, but it took a minute. Pretty sure I won’t get a part, but it was still a fun way to spend an evening and I hope to help out on set and with costuming. I thought, with all the heavy stuff, it was a good idea to take another lesson from the Taurus house and take time to enjoy life, follow some of my passions, and, heading into the Gemini house, to do something social and community oriented.

I’ll keep you posted.

Tarot Reading

I selected the Pentacle Reading, which is used for help in the search for wholeness, healing, integration, and spiritual development. Seemed very appropriate. The spread consists of 5 cards, one at each point of the start, each representing an element and, therefore, a concept of the self and the world. The card drawn represents your relationship to that concept, ways to improve it, or how to integrate it with other aspects.

Now, whether you believe in Tarot or not, to me, is kind of irrelevant. Like literary interpretation, what you get out of it is more for you and says more about you than anyone else. So I read the cards partially for divination purposes, but the divination is derived from how I assign meaning to the cards. It works for me and often works for those I read for. That being said, things change – sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. I always advise taking Tarot readings as light guidance with the final decision, as always, being up to you.

Card 1: The Place of the Inner Flame

 

10 of SwordsThis card represents intuition and creativity, my relationship to it, or a new idea about to dawn.

Ten of Swords, reversed

Generally speaking, this isn’t a positive card. I mean, just look at it. That is an overabundance of stabbiness. And this card tends to represent suffering or defeat. However, this is not always a bad thing, it just isn’t something that feels good. Attached to this card is a Druid triad: “There are three spiritual instructors: worldly misfortune, bodily illness, and unmerited hatred.”

The suit of Swords is all about the mind and some say the meaning of this card is negative thoughts pinning you down until you are immobilized, whether your own or someone else’s. And, actually, this general feeling of this card is why I decided to go to therapy. I felt like my thought processes weren’t allowing me to get anywhere, to be who I wanted to be… in essence, they were killing me. And really, this is extremely apparent in my trust of myself as I’ve stated in other posts. This card seems extremely appropriate for that. I bog down my intuition and creativity with many negative and often self-harming thoughts.

Now, this card is reversed. Some people to bother with reversals, but I do. I see them as the polarity of the card, the flip side that everything has in order to exist (I enjoyed Derrida in college). In this respect, I see this card as a fairly positive draw. It signals to me that I am on the right track and the suffering that I put myself through is passing and allowing me to grow. One of the lines in the reversal meaning stood out to me – “An opportunity for liberation or change may be on the way. Act on it.”

Card 2: The Place of the Well

6 of swordsThis card represents emotions, their role in my life, opportunities to develop emotional maturity, or influences on the heart.

Six of Swords

I’ve always liked this card and it tends to show up for me a lot. It often means a journey of some kind, often over water, which can be literal or metaphorical. In that way, it means healing and respite, an emotional journey that brings you to some place new, a place to rest.

One thing I took from this card that I haven’t really thought about before is the reminder that journeying, both physical and emotional involves growth and healing and, following that, allowing time to rest and recuperate. Today, I watched a TedTalk on emotional hygiene. The psychologist states that we value the body more than the mind so much so that we teach children to brush their teeth and cover a cut, but we are never taught to take care of our psychological health. This is a good reminder to take time for self care.

Card 3: The Place of the Sword

page of pentaclesThis card represents the role of intellect, clarity, discrimination, and the ability to judge between courses of action. This covers the role of thinking in my life, opportunities for mental development, and influences on my thoughts and judgment.

Princess/Page of Pentacles

Princess or Page cards are about new beginnings, especially that stage where you are still full of hope and intention. Pentacles are about the material world and material manifestations, but this card in particular talks about starting a new phase of creativity, study, and self-reliance, all begun in a good-natured way. The message of the card states to focus on both the seeds of of what you are creating as well as the manifestation.

I’m still ruminating on this card, but my initial thoughts on this center on this blog I have created. This is, more or less, a digital manifestation of what I hope will be a productive spiritual journey. It’s keeping me writing on a regular basis, which I am glad of, however, the point of it is that I spend some time and energy really delving into my spiritual side. I feel, right now, like I don’t fully understand this card, but that it is reminding me to focus more on the spiritual aspect of my journey, to make sure it is not just the manifestation of posts as that would make for a shallow journey overall.

Card 4: The Place of the Stone

knight of swordsThis card represents the literal body and the role of sensation (the 5 senses) in my life. It covers how to improve health and influences on the physical world around me.

Prince/Knight of Swords

Prince or Knight cards tend to signify a lot of action, and, in the case of Swords, the action of intellect, which can be good (quick witted) or bad (not thought through). This card, specifically, mentioned a radical change in lifestyle or routine, whether it’s new friends or even a whole new life.

That’s a lot to chew on even in relation to the physical. Right now, I haven’t radically changed my eating or exercise habits, instead focusing on making small changes to improve my health and making them habit. Truth be told, that isn’t working very well for me, although I am slowly losing weight. Maybe it would be best for me to just radically alter my approach to health. I’m going to think on this a bit more.

Card 5: The Place of the Spirit

knight of cupsThis card represents exactly what it sounds like it represents, the soul and spiritual connection. This card is supposed to contain the gifts or advice of the transcendent, an idea or symbol to achieve wholeness, balance, integration, or the needs of the soul.

Prince/Knight of Cups, reversed

Ok, so part of this card’s description literally said, “an important phase in your spiritual journey.” It also talked about going into unsettling territory with artistic or poetic inspiration and not being afraid of it. Part of the reversal portion warns against deception , specifically hiding from yourself or others. I feel like this is more of a reminder not to get caught up in wanting this spiritual journey to be neat or pretty. It would be nice, but that’s not how it works.

There are two other things I’m taking from this card: the first is that I need to remember that, despite how much thinking I’m doing, this spiritual journey is about emotional healing (embodied by the suit of Cups), so I need to make sure I’m not logicking everything out and actually allowing myself to feel things. The second is that this kind of journey takes time. Of all the prince/knight cards, this one is the slowest. The horse is all but standing still and yet the man is barefoot, he has no intention of stopping.

Interpretation:

After laying out cards, I usually examine the relationships between them and any patterns that emerge. In this case, I have a lot of swords, which makes sense and is pretty normal for me – I spend a lot of time in my head. That being said, there’s two areas that are not swords, my soul card and, somewhat ironically, my thinking card. Both cards have elements of creativity, and, really, the Princess of Pentacles may be material, but she is still studious.

The Sword cards are all on the bottom of my reading, two of them have a lot of movement (with the Prince meaning literally action and that 6 of Swords signifying a journey) and they surround the third, which is pinned. This may mean that the key to unblocking my intuition is in moving out of my comfort zone and doing so thoughtfully.

I also have a lot of Court cards, two of which are princes, standing for action and movement. There’s a couple of ways for me to analyze this. None of the Court cards of from the same suit and none of the suits of the cards drawn match up with the elements for the spots they are in, neither do the elements of the rank of the cards match the elements of the placement. They do make up the last three cards of the drawing, with the Princess leading, then the Princes following behind. Additionally, one idea for reading the prince cards is to study what card their horsed are pointed at. Technically, both of my princes are pointed at the Princess, who is turned away from them. To me, this signifies that the best way for me to take action in improving my health and my spiritual journey is to study intently and look at what I want and how to manifest it.

That’s where I’m at for right now, but part of the purpose for doing a yearly reading is to see how things evolve and to meditate on the relationships between the cards. I’ll keep you posted with any updates or insights.

 

My 33rd Birthday

On Tuesday, I celebrated my 33rd Birthday. I use the term celebrate loosely, but the fact that I acknowledged it is progress. My birthdays more often than not either pass entirely uneventfully (a non-day) or they are full of nasty crap. Mostly hurricanes, but my birthdays have also included harsh break-ups, serious uterus issues, and scathing critiques of my character from people I care about. In addition to that, I’ve always felt like my biological age and my mental, emotional, and spiritual age don’t really line up and never have. All in all, I haven’t really bothered much with the aging process.

But this time, I took the day off and had a lot of cake. My parents took me out for a birthday dinner (I picked the Greek restaurant in town). And I did a few “birthday” things, which, for me, was a Tarot reading and a Solar Return chart.

If you’d like to know more, check out my additional little blog bits as I get them up.

Tarot Reading

Solar Return Chart