Identity Extensions – Part V: Physicality – Curvy & Capable
Identity Extensions – Part IV: Mentality – Creative Intellectual with PTSD
Identity Extensions – Part III: Sexuality – Sapiosexual & Queer
For more incredible information and excellent communication skills, please, read The Ethical Slut. For real, this should be required reading your Senior year of high school.
Identity Extensions – Part II: Religion – Wicca
Identity extensions – Part I: Nationality – American
If Lust met Love…
As Vices go, Lust is more interactive, like Pride and Envy, but really most closely resembles Gluttony – just with a specific appetite. Both involve mouths, of course, and the pleasures of taste and touch – smell, sight, sound – all mingled, all savored or skated over, moment to moment. There is the intense and aching desire that requires fulfillment, a basic need that has to be satisfied. But Gluttony only requires that the act be possible, Lust requires that the act to be participated in. And where Gluttony expels the wastes of the act in a form far less pleasing than the original delight, Lust… Lust creates something new, something vibrant, something living.
Perhaps that was why she enjoys it so. It simply could not be indulged anywhere at anytime. Not like Gluttony. It drove the hunger to heights far loftier and created a space for satiation in the immediate aftermath. Pleasant, addictive, felt throughout the entire being, and gone shortly thereafter, replaced again with an even deeper hunger.
There is no other reason for her to be here. The Perk Up and Play is not her normal milieu – all cheap espresso and blaring arcade games – but the bars were just too depressing tonight. No fire anywhere, just milky, soppy sadness. A poor excuse for any meal and hers…. hers had been too long in the waiting. No, tonight she needs a more active desperation, a hunger intense and unbidden and, therefore, more potent. A club would have been perfect, but one is under renovation and the other shut down for violations.
Heavily caffeinated would have to do. She sighs as she gazes through the window into the café at the jittery yet focused lot. She considers calling it a night, perhaps one more night wouldn’t threaten her stability and she could get an early start tomorrow evening… when she spies him, less absorbed than the others, jittery in a way that speaks of discontent and longing. He’s the one she needs.
First things first: tone it down. She is dressed for a night on the town, a look she risked in the dank bars as the overkill had seemed necessary and was less noticeable, but it isn’t a look that could get by here. Oh, sure, she would be noticed, but disbelieved and never approached. She needs something…. cuter. She feels the change begin before she even finishes the thought. Her high heels flatten into sneakers, her red dress becomes jeans and a cute t-shirt, just small enough to show her midriff if she lifts her arms, a Newsboy cap, and an oversize flannel shirt. She evaluates her reflection in the glass. Still too much, she thinks, as her face softens becoming rounder, sweeter, younger, heart-shaped. Even her eyes get treatment, rounder, wider, and (she smiles at this) just a touch bruised, like she had spent too many nights up gaming. Or maybe pining.
She purses her now slightly thinner, paler lips. It would have to do. She could already feel the effects these transformations were having on her energy stores, the deep hunger intensifying, aching in her loins. She would only tweak if it was truly needed to speed the process. In her experience, they never noticed such adjustments. She hopes with every fiber of her being that he isn’t gay. She doesn’t have enough energy for that change.
She just barely remembers to hunch her shoulders a little and walk quickly rather than walking fully upright and sashaying to the bar. She is out of practice with such scene changes. She grabs herself an overpriced and slightly burnt latte, doing her best to ignore her rumbling stomach and only allowing her eyes the briefest of glances at the pastries. What would it be like to be able to indulge at any time? To fill and then continue to fill? She shakes herself. Gluttony has no satiation and that was the point of it. She hurries away from the counter and does her best to casually wander up to her mark, her attention artificially on the game he is playing.
He glances up so briefly she thinks he missed her entirely, but then his eyes return. She can feel them, almost see them in the screen and already she can feel her power stirring deep inside, heady, thrilling. She has to control her smile as his avatar dies, momentarily diverting his attention, the color of embarrassment (so much like desire) crawls up his neck to his ears. Just a nibble… No, discipline! This is how you end up eating everything in sight.
“Oh, that sucks, man. You were so close.” She looks down at him, leaning forward, her small, young breast brushing his shoulder as she points to the screen. It pleases them both, she can tell, as his back tenses just enough to be aware but not overly uncomfortable, and the tingle of it rushes through her. Relief rushes through her, too. The attraction is there – she just needs to build on it. “You gonna hit continue?”
He nods and finally finds his voice. “Unless you want to play?” His voice is richly, deliciously masculine. She plops herself down on the chair next to him, unable to keep her knees from shaking as yearning pools in her center. Yes, Lust is definitely the best Vice. She pulls her knees up to her chest, wrapping her thin arms around them, and drinks in the way his eyes linger on her.
“I enjoy watching,” she says softly. His eyes shutter for a second, her heart skips a beat. “But…” What does he want?! “But I’ll play if you promise not to laugh. I haven’t played this one before.”
The smile he flashes is wide, warm, and genuine, full of pleasure. It heats her to her core. A playmate, that’s what he wants. Someone fun, sweet, ready to try new things. She can almost feel his excited pulse as he hands her the controller. This will be worth it. This might lead to several meals. His whole energy has changed, vibrant, thrilling, abundant. Her gaze gently caresses the curve of his spine, the quiver in his knees, the radiant light about him – yes, he is exactly what she needs.
The game is interesting. A PC puzzle game, together they solve the mystery of a friend’s disappearance, involving occult imagery and mysticism. The mood is dark and the mythology is off, but she picks up on the thread quickly as they cruise through levels familiar to him. The controller feels almost alive in her hands when she navigates them through a difficult puzzle of vessels and weights. He sits back, seemingly impressed.
“How did you figure that out so quick?” His lips quirk up on one side and a fetching splash of hair falls over his forehead. She stares at him for a moment, enjoying the sight and the heady feeling of his interest.
“The game is loosely based on Kabbalah practices from the Middle Ages. It’s off, but the general structure is there.” She points to a few of the symbols on the screen. “See how the symbols resemble Hebrew letters?” He nods, intrigued, and she smiles, drawing lines between them with her fingers. “The structure of the puzzle here is based on the Sephirot, or vessels. If you pour the compounds into each vessel in the right order to form the connections, the combinations and weight system opens the portal to the Divine Feminine, which in this case is Lilith, because… you know, horror game, I guess.”
He leans forward, his hand brushing hers and she feels the thrill of connection with him. “That’s fascinating. Where did you learn all this stuff?”
She pauses. She doesn’t have a lie prepared for this kind of stuff, hardly the kind of thing she usually talks about in order to garner desire. He pulls back, suddenly uncomfortable and she feels her face fall.
“I’m sorry. That was kind of a personal question. You don’t have to answer, if I made you uncomfortable.”
She reaches out and takes his hand. “No, it’s okay. I just… don’t usually talk about my past. No one’s ever asked…” His fingers squeeze hers and she squeezes his back. “I… was home schooled.” Kind of true. “My parents were super religious.” In a manner of speaking. “So, I guess, this seemed more important and interesting than calculus.”
“Definitely.” His smile is dazzling. She breathes a sigh of relief, relaxing into his presence. “So, professor…” he drops her hand and turns back to the game with an impish smile on his face, “What do we do now that Lilith is here? Any Kabbalah-esque playbook for this kind of thing?”
She shrugs, returning her attention to the even more busty than usual interpretation of Lilith. “I think they adapted pretty freely here, so your guess is as good as mine.”
He laughs deeply, delightedly. A new kind of warmth and anticipation spreads through her. Still a sense of hunger and desire, but more…. real, somehow? Less driving and impatient. A feeling with substance. She sits back to enjoy the game.
She is actually disappointed when they hit the save point. As he rises from his chair, a shot of panic courses through her. She hasn’t been focusing on feeding his need for her, she hasn’t been coquettishly touching him, he hasn’t asked her back to his place or even asked if she lives around here. She jumps up, practically bowling him over. His arms wrap around her as he steadies them both. Unthinking, she buries her face in his chest, inhaling his scent, embarrassed, yes, but mostly needy. She relaxes only when he does, his hand coming up to stroke her hair. His embrace is genuine, not the sham of a hug designed to get body parts close enough to brush, but an actual expression of acceptance and comfort. She sinks in knowing she will never get enough of this feeling, but, for once, knowing that it didn’t matter right now and feeling it at all was enough.
“Will you be here tomorrow?” she asks, unwilling to give him up just yet.
His fingers move on her scalp, softly massaging her, blissfully comfortable. “I can be. I work until 6. Is that okay?” She nods. “Good, it’s a date then.” She smiles into his shirt.
He pulls back and she turns her face up to his. The weight of the moment hangs between them. Magnetic. Gentle. His eyes are soft, full, hazy as they settle on her lips. She parts them, inviting, waiting, wondering if his lips will yield her the same sense of comfort and acceptance that his arms do. He leans minutely closer and she lowers her lashes.
“What’s your name?” he whispers.
“Cambion.” He blinks, his eyebrows shoot up. She replays the last few moments in her head. Had she just given him her real name? Or… well, her designation rather? Not like she had a real name actually. She usually just went with whatever she thought they would like. She feels the panic bubble up again. “Religious parents, you know?”
He smiles warmly. “Yeah, I get that. Mine is Amadeus, so it’s not like I have room to judge.” She feels her mouth twitch, first one side moves up, then the other until her smile is as wide as his. His eyes shine back at her. “Doesn’t seem to fit you though. Can I call you Cami?”
She pauses, tastes the name in her mind, rolls it around on her tongue. “Yes…. Cami. I like that.” She steps back, stands straight, and extends her hand to him. “Hi, I’m Cami.”
His chuckle reverberates through her. “AJ,” he says, as their palms meet. The handshake is slow, comfortable, and intimate. “Well, until tomorrow, Cami.” He lifts her hand to his lips and gently kisses her knuckle.
“Tomorrow, yes,” she whispers softly as their fingers part and he moves toward the door. She drifts along in his wake, seats herself by the window to watch him walk down the street. He glances back once, his eyes meeting hers with a grin and a wave. She answers with her own. And then he is gone.
She stares at her face in the glass, memorizing it, surprised to find freckles on her nose and cheeks. It doesn’t matter now – it’s part of her. She makes her way home, content, not even noticing that, somewhere along the way, she forgot to be hungry.
A long winded Virgoan description of my Leonine beginning energy.
I was born in the dark. At nearly 4 o’clock in the morning in Southern Germany, the light wouldn’t reach me for another 2.75 hours and by then it would be in a different sign. It would still be another 47 minutes until astronomical twilight. And yet, I think my parents knew on some subconscious level, because, while my mother chose my middle name to mean “moon,” my father chose my first name to mean “Lion of God,” while the Sun blazed into life a few hours away in Leo, the Lion, shining optimistically over the Sign it rules.
The Ascendant, or Rising Sign, is the point of intersection between the Eastern Horizon and the ecliptic and it is one of most personal parts of any Birth Chart, because the exact degree marks the very beginning of your Chart. It signifies your approach to new situations, the mask you wear, and even parts of your personal appearance. A person born at the exact same time as me would have all the same planets in all the same positions, but their Ascendant would very likely be in a different Sign and, therefore, their similar energies would express themselves in different aspects of life and mix with different signs in those aspects. The Ascendant also places an added emphasis on whatever Planet rules the Rising Sign, called the Chart Ruler. Additionally, some astrologers believe that the closer the degree of the Ascendant is to the beginning of a Sign, the Rising Sign will present more strongly, and if the the Sun was actually overhead at the time, it may present more strongly.
So, the contradictions of me: The beginning of Leo is pretty near the beginning of my 1st House (5° in, which incidentally is the same degree my Sun is in Virgo) and actually covers two Houses, which means it also rules the House in which my Sun is found. But, being born at night, having my Sun in the Sign next door and in the House next door to the House of Self and also conjunct with my Mercury making my Sun a Super-Virgo….. well, I have some pretty strong aspects of both. And since Leo is ruling my 2nd House (house of Security, Values, Possessions), which is traditionally ruled by Taurus (which is an Earth Sign like Virgo, but a Fixed Sign like Leo), and Mercury adding it’s quick little energy to that mess, they both want to have their say.
This post, in particular, has it’s own argument:
Virgo: We should really get into all the ways the aspects reinforce different parts of your thinking and ego expression, because I mean, really, the fact that Leo traditionally rules the 5th House, which in this case is in Scorpio, another Fixed Sign and dual ruled by Mars and Pluto, which are in Sagittarius and Scorpio respectively, but that last one only just and how Mars is the traditional ruler of the 1st House, which is square your Sun and is in your 5th House, but Pluto is sextile your Sun but is in your 4th House, traditionally ruled by Cancer and the Moon, which brings in your 12th House and your 3rd House, which is traditionally ruled by Gemini, but
accidentally ruled by Virgo and that’s where your Venus is, which rules both Libra and Taurus…. I mean there’s so much to unpack here, so I’m not really sure where to start, especially because it’s all important to you and it’s amazing how many aspects are made just to your Sun (like, really, everything except the Ascendant and Venus) and with your Mercury right there, too, so your chart looks like a frickin’ basket of crazy contradictions and isn’t it amazing how it confirms that you’re exactly as conflicted and crazy as you always thought you were? God, I love systems that confirm I’m right. But, I digress… Let’s see, where to start?
Leo: ….. Dear God, woman, think of your audience! We’ll just start with me.
Virgo: You would say that. It’s lacking in nuance, but, go ahead, you’re in charge.
So, Leo’s in charge for the time being. Nichole Huntsman, the astrologer I mentioned in the first post, likens the Signs to adverbs – they describe how we go about doing something. The connections between the Planet, the Sign, and the House are all roots of the same idea. As the Ascendant isn’t actually a Planet placement and I don’t have any Planets hanging out in the 1st House at all, I’m going to content myself with the concept of Leo and beginnings (which is pleasing my inner Lion’s vanity and my inner Virgin’s sense of purity).
The adverbs describing a Leonine personality are dynamically, boldly, courageously, protectively, dominantly, and charismatically. It’s outgoing, generous, warm, affectionate, optimistic, passionate, loyal, ego-driven, controlling, and vain. It is the King, the CEO, the Child, the Ego. Physically, there’s a tendency for a wide chest, a strong body with a good constitution, a grace or dignity to movement, and hair that is either big or has gold coloring. It’s fiery nature encompasses vitality, spontaneity, aggressiveness, force of will, and, above all, ACTION. It’s energy is Fixed and Masculine – immovable, dominant, and determined, its force directed outward. The keywords are “I WILL.”
And I kind of have to agree with a lot of that. All that Virgoness above takes place before I enter the new situation and, if a new situation is thrust upon me, this Leonine side is the instinctual face I put on – a preservation and expression of Self, my loved ones, and my reputation. The order depends on the nature of the new. Even when I take into consideration all of the angles, practicality, and need to serve and assist from my Virgo side, I never fail to take into account whether whatever I am embarking upon will further my own interests in some way, usually my intellectual, financial, or creative interests. I may not have wanted to take my Statistics class, but I took it as Philosophy, did well, and actually ended up tutoring it for a bit.
Starting this blog, I have two major fears. The first that this fiery creative newness of starting a blog about my spiritual journey, especially combined with the initiatory fire of a traditionally Aries 1st House warrior Self, will peter out as time goes on and I get past all the Houses with planets in them. Two of my Houses may be Leo, but they are right at the beginning. Two more are in Aquarius and that’s only half way through. I’m worried that I’ll run out of interest and things to talk about, or that I’ll start flaking on posting or being honest in my posts. That the further I get from the concrete things I can definitely define as me and out into the world and the esoteric that I’ll become lost and unsure, fuzzier, less definitive, less comfortable commenting. And Fear Number Two, that this blog and the honesty and exploration contained herein will disappoint the people I love, should they read it (and, for some of them, it will, that’s inevitable), or in some cases, hurt their reputations as well.
To the first, I really can’t guarantee that’s not exactly what will happen. I don’t want it to, I’ve set up a schedule and a relatively exhaustive set of topics I can reference, and I’ve combined it with a passion of mine at a time when I really feel the need to explore these sets of issues. I’ve put in the markers to keep interest and accountability, but there is every chance that, like the multitudes of diaries and Books of Shadows and projects, Hell, even diets and relationships I’ve started, this may lay beautifully and enthusiastically started, sporadically, a tad less enthusiastically continued, and, ultimately, abandoned and, if not, doggedly and dutifully ground into a bitter end. Which doesn’t sound particularly uplifting. That being said, I’ve done what I can do about it, I’m still at the very beginning where I’m best and fresh, and (hopefully) I haven’t alienated everyone reading this yet. No point in getting down before I’ve given myself a chance to actually succeed and do the thing I’m starting this for: transformation.
And, perhaps more to my betterment, I’m planning on doing some kind of activity in real life to coincide with each post. I’m hoping that by linking the concept I’m working on to a real life activity, I’ll keep my interest in it, improve my habits, and have something to talk about beyond abstract concepts of heavenly bodies. It will also involve my Body more in the processes my Mind goes through (aside from the physically ailing bits). And actually, my next post will be specifically on how I relate to my Body since that is an Aries/Mars thing. I will be spending 4 weeks on each House, roughly the length of time it takes for the Sun to transverse it. By the time I get to my birthday, I’ll be just in time to talk about my Sun Sign since it’s placed in the 2nd House (*delighted Virgo squirm*).
Now to address the second. I don’t believe I can truly be self expressive or affect any sort of transformative change within myself (or anywhere else for that matter) without being open and honest about the realities of where I am, the things I do, and how they affect me and those around me. My tendency, especially with my loved ones, is to gild the lily, to present the best and most affirming part of what I think. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing (I like people to feel comfortable and happy around me – Libra Moon), it does leave a lot unsaid. And some of it is stuff that needs to be said sometime.
As I stated above, I will, inevitably, disappoint and/or hurt some of my loved ones. I’m going to be talking about deep wounds and nasty psychological pus. I’m going to be honest about the things and thoughts I engage in and believe in (both consistent and transitory), some of which go against my upbringing and societal norms. I know I am opening myself up to criticism and possible disdain. And that’s the point of all this. To be truer about myself and heal, air out those wounds, drain the pus (BTW, I am so sorry if you were eating), grow newer and thicker skin. Maybe people will even offer up constructive criticism and helpful tips, or just a similar feeling and acknowledgement that I am seen – for real, this time.
To my family, sorry, this will be posted on social media and I have decided to be open about who I am. Those connections are already in place on Facebook, people know you’re connected to me – it can’t be helped. I will try to keep anything that could be damaging to you out of all of this (as, rightly, I should – that’s not mine to share, see Vault from first post) and I hope that my honestly and openness doesn’t cost you anything. Also, know I love you all very much, even when we don’t agree.
To my work family, I don’t expect to be talking about work too much and, even then, mostly in regards to my relationship to it, but I’m sure specific instances will come to the fore. I’ll abstract wherever necessary while remaining true to the point. But my work connections are already up on Facebook, too, so I’m sure it’s not going to be too difficult to decode. I promise, it is the work that is frustrating, not my co-workers. You guys are lovely. Were the environment less positive, I wouldn’t still be there.
Those are the people I really can’t hide the identity of by much. For everyone else I may mention, I am going to be changing names (if they are needed at all for clarity) and abstracting certain situations so that only those involved should be able to discern who I’m talking about and what instance I’m referring to. That’s the plan. If at any point I reference something that makes you truly uncomfortable as far as it can be decoded by others, please, let me know and I’ll rewrite. If you’re just uncomfortable because you feel like I’m calling you out, please, do these two things: 1) realize that I may, in fact, not actually be talking about you (I get set in patterns, it may display similarities to something we’ve been through by complete accident – an issue of abstraction); and, if you are sure #1 is not in play, 2) talk to me about it personally.
And thus, I believe I have boldly, courageously, protectively, and dominantly begun.